I remember an instance as a young girl when I stubbornly refused to do what I knew was right because I wanted things to go my way, and I paid the price. My family was going to go to the Orange County Fair and I was SO excited! I grew up at the beach where I rarely wore shoes if I didn’t have to. I insisted that I was going to the fair barefooted, despite the fact that it was all asphalt and HOT! Of course, Mom said no way. I said yes way. The upshot was that Mom told me that if I didn’t put my shoes on, they would go without me…and they did. I missed the fair because I was stubborn and wasn’t willing to change my ways. I feel as if that young girl has returned.
Yesterday was a really tough day. I ate some stuff that I know isn’t good for me because I wanted it, dammit! The result was a whopping 315 on my meter nearly 3 hours after the meal. Wow. I have NEVER seen a number that high on my meter. Never. I was so appalled and shocked and scared. Then and there I decided to call and make that appointment with a specialist 35 miles away; an actual specialist in diabetes. She would be able to help me straighten this mess out! I called and was told that I had to have a referral and that the soonest I could see said doctor was January. Ugh. The remainder of the afternoon was filled with tears, remorse, self-loathing and pity. Pretty ugly. I felt so sorry for myself and railed against this damn disease. After I settled down a bit, I realized that I was going through stages of diabetes acceptance, very similar to stages of grief. Really? I was dealing with acceptance of a disease that I’ve had for 12 years? It was eye-opening.
When it comes to diabetes, I’ve been pretty lucky. I have been able to adjust my lifestyle and meds slowly and keep my numbers mostly in line. I would have periods of feeling deprived but I was proud of the changes I had made and eventually didn’t miss a lot of the foods I used to crave (except potato chips). Things were rocking along pretty ok and I didn’t have to think about my diabetes much. In fact, I wrote that very thing back in November. In that post I also said: “Someday my blood sugars could go south and my current plan may not work as well. Maybe. If that happens I feel like I’m prepared to deal with it. I feel like I can make adjustments because I already have. I’ve already proven to myself that I can do this.” Reading those words now, only 9 months later, kicked me out of my funk and gave me a little hope.
My doctor wants to “wait and see” and is reluctant to make med changes until things worsen. (ugh). I can’t just go see the specialist like I wanted and fix this issue. That barefoot little girl wants things her way and it ain’t gonna happen right now. It’s time to put my shoes on and get on with it.
I had become too complacent about my diabetes. I let other issues get in front of it and failed to adequately pay attention. Even when things are going well with diabetes, it’s important to watch that you are following your plan. I wasn’t. I slowly fell back in to an eating pattern that made it too easy to eat what I shouldn’t. I was somewhat in denial and thought I was normal. Ha! I’m never gonna be normal and will always, always have to pay attention to what I’m eating. Sad but true.
My body has decided that it’s going to change the game and I need to pay attention. I started yesterday with a slow, short walk on the treadmill to help mitigate that damn high number. I ate reasonably at dinner (my wonderful shrimp stir fry). Today, I’m going to try to get back on track. I will eat lower carb, not highly processed foods. I will get back to regular exercise. I will bake low carb goodies to satisfy me when I need a treat. I will do this, shoes or not, because I’m all growed up now and can make the decisions that are best for me. Decisions that will hopefully allow me to live a longer, healthier life. I’m not going to wait until October for someone else to fix this. I’m going to do whatever I can on my own now and insist on a medication change in October, because quality of life is important. I deserve that. I still hate to wear shoes but I don’t want to miss the fair.