I’ve noticed a subtle change in my attitude toward my diabetes over the last month or so, and it’s not a good thing. Although I aced dealing with Christmas Day in regards to food, I have totally flunked since then. I already blogged about my “issues” in my last blog post and, at that time, I was pretty confident that I could get back on track. Fast forward two weeks and you will find me no better off. Sigh.
I’ve never “feared” my diabetes. I’ve been scared and concerned and pissed and frustrated but fear isn’t a word that I would ever have paired with my diabetes. It’s more like I’ve had a healthy respect for what diabetes can do to my body and my life if I don’t pay attention. However, lately I’ve been thinking that fear is a necessary evil in my fight to stay healthy.
In the course of my dealings with D I’ve had some times when I would slip in my food plan or have a bigger indulgence than I maybe I should and I know that I will continue to see those things happen again in the future. I’m human, after all. However, the eating habits I’ve been seeing in the last couple of weeks are…kinda scary. Here’s why: I just don’t care. The conversations I’ve been having up in my head go somewhat like this:
“You know that you shouldn’t be snacking on that.” “So what”
“Bagels are death! You should send the rest of those home with the grandsons.” “They are small and taste good and I’m going to eat them. Deal with it.”
“Your fasting bg is creeping up again. Pay attention!” “I don’t want to.”
Here’s the thing, I used to envision sand paper running through my veins whenever I’d have a “too high” glucose reading. Now, I simply don’t care. I need my “fear” back but I don’t really know how to find it.
I guess I could chalk this up to the winter blues or January blahs or burnout. I’ve continued to exercise every day, thank goodness, so I haven’t completely given up. I time my exercise based on what my glucose reading is, ie: if it’s high then I exercise before I eat, and that’s good.
Now that I’m reading this post over, I’m not really sure what the point is. Maybe I just need to confess or at least admit that I’m struggling. Maybe that will help. I do know that it’s important to find my mojo again. I know that I can’t continue like this. I know that my weight is creeping up again. Maybe THAT will scare me into action! One can only hope. Any suggestions?