Monday, January 14, 2013

Something’s missing



I’ve noticed a subtle change in my attitude toward my diabetes over the last month or so, and it’s not a good thing.  Although I aced dealing with Christmas Day in regards to food, I have totally flunked since then.  I already blogged about my “issues” in my last blog post and, at that time, I was pretty confident that I could get back on track.  Fast forward two weeks and you will find me no better off.  Sigh.

I’ve never “feared” my diabetes.  I’ve been scared and concerned and pissed and frustrated but fear isn’t a word that I would ever have paired with my diabetes. It’s more like I’ve had a healthy respect for what diabetes can do to my body and my life if I don’t pay attention. However, lately I’ve been thinking that fear is a necessary evil in my fight to stay healthy.

In the course of my dealings with D I’ve had some times when I would slip in my food plan or have a bigger indulgence than I maybe I should and I know that I will continue to see those things happen again in the future.  I’m human, after all.  However, the eating habits I’ve been seeing in the last couple of weeks are…kinda scary.  Here’s why: I just don’t care.  The conversations I’ve been having up in my head go somewhat like this:

“You know that you shouldn’t be snacking on that.” “So what”

“Bagels are death!  You should send the rest of those home with the grandsons.” “They are small and taste good and I’m going to eat them.  Deal with it.”

“Your fasting bg is creeping up again.  Pay attention!”  “I don’t want to.”

Here’s the thing, I used to envision sand paper running through my veins whenever I’d have a “too high” glucose reading.  Now, I simply don’t care.  I need my “fear” back but I don’t really know how to find it.

I guess I could chalk this up to the winter blues or January blahs or burnout.  I’ve continued to exercise every day, thank goodness, so I haven’t completely given up.  I time my exercise based on what my glucose reading is, ie: if it’s high then I exercise before I eat, and that’s good. 

Now that I’m reading this post over, I’m not really sure what the point is.  Maybe I just need to confess or at least admit that I’m struggling.  Maybe that will help.  I do know that it’s important to find my mojo again.  I know that I can’t continue like this.  I know that my weight is creeping up again.  Maybe THAT will scare me into action!  One can only hope.  Any suggestions?

10 comments:

  1. Admitting it is the first step - so say all the 12 step programs. Im gonna bet that while you might be 'slipping' a bit you are still doing well. Maybe bagels are what you need during the January blahs but if you are feeling guilty after than it seems like a loosing battle and maybe switch the bagels out for something else that feels like a reward but isn't as nasty to blood sugars. Love that you are exercising and recognizing how beneficial it is to your diabetes management. Also exercise is good to work through the 'Blahs' since it does provide for natural highs (wow that seems odd to say considering the context of this blog - you know what I mean).
    Keep in mind that your 'worst' is someone else's best and you are already ahead of the chip eating couch potato. Maybe that isn't as motivating as it needs to be but during the 'blahs' just a little motivation helps. Stick with it Sugar. ;P Love you.

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  2. You are definitely not the only one going through this! I could have written this post. (((hugs)))

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  3. I know what you mean--and I find that fear is my greatest ally when it comes to keeping the carbs down and the blood sugar, too! It's negative programming associated with flour and sugar that has helped me get control of my diabetes. I wish thinking happy thoughts was the answer--I wish "just a little" or "just for the holiday" or "because I made it especially for you" or "it's a family tradition" didn't impact my blood glucose negatively--but it does. And I'm no fun sitting at the table watching everyone else eat doughnuts...I just have to leave the house. It's the only way I can beat this thing today--and everyday. Now, when my husband makes bread (and it smells so good)--I make a low-carb, almond flour based bread. Then we can sit down, put on the butter and enjoy. Each to his own! Each to her own! For me--it's the only way!

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  4. I think ups and downs are an inevitable part of life with diabetes. Very few (if any) have mastered the task of staying on top of things always.

    There's a visual I got from one of Wil's books. He talked about our micro-vascular areas, you know the teeny-tiny areas our blood flows through? He said that in the kidney especially, the holes the blood flows through are smaller than the blood cells. Blood cells with regular blood sugar are squishy and can slip right through the smaller holes. But blood cells with high sugar are hard and inflexible, and act more like razor-edged frisbees, slicing their way through the holes rather than squishing through them.

    It's a pretty scary thing to think of, isn't it? It helps, but sometimes highs happen without rhyme or reason. Then it just makes me feel bad.

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  5. Motivating by fear is a balance. We need to fear starvation enough that we get up and go to work when it's raining, but obsessing on that fear is counterproductive. I happen to be a person that moves exceptionally easily from 'motivating fear' to 'paralyzing fear', but that's an individual thing.

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  6. Maybe this is a result of trying so hard over Christmas, and then relaxing afterwards, as a type of reward. Diabetes is with us forever, and I think we forget that when we focus too much on getting through a special event. I find i need to occasionally reward myself by doing something totally unrelated to food.

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  7. I am in the same mindset lately. I was just diagnosed in August, and did great all autumn. Since late Novembet, though...I think part of it is I am "not that bad". Caught early on, my A1C was 6.5 at diagnosis. Down to 6.1. My bg is usually within goal or just a little bit over. So it is like, mentally I am coasting. Like in school, I did just enough to get a B, when with any effort I could get an A. Lazy, lazy.

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  8. You'll get back to a place where you feel more in control. At least you are not in denial. Be kind to yourself.

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  9. Sounds like a case of d-burnout to me. I've sure been there plenty of time myself. I'm not sure I have a fix for it - but I think blogging about it is a sign that you are ready to turn it around. Because if you really didn't care, you wouldn't have written this post.

    We all need a break some times, and that's okay. :)

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  10. I've had this exact problem ever since I was diagnosed years ago. (I can't even remember how long it's been since the diagnosis). I really just don't care. I rarely check my blood sugar. I do take my meds, when I remember. But I'm very bad about what I eat. I don't eat a lot, but I don't eat many of the right things. I've been trying to change my eating lately. I'm using up the processed foods that I have in my house and am going to do my best to not bring anymore into the house. I have my endo appointment Wednesday and get my blood taken tomorrow. Funny, but I just don't seem to care. :-(
    I hope you find your spark again soon, as I know it will help you to feel better.
    blessings
    ~*~

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