“Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows my sorrow”
“Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down”
Ain’t it the truth? When you look at someone, there is no way to know what they’re really feeling on the inside. Generally speaking, when someone is smiling/laughing/carefree we assume that they are happy and when they’re crying/frowning/sighing we assume that they are sad. But we humans can excel at deception, can’t we? Yeah sure, if someone is crying, the chances that they are happy inside are slim but smiling faces are harder to decipher.
“Smiling faces, smiling faces sometimes
They don't tell the truth”
They don't tell the truth”
I tend to try and remain upbeat when I face the world. Ray can tell you the other side; the side I sometimes let him see when we’re at home. Hey, if you can’t be yourself at home, then there is something terribly wrong with your home! That upbeat tendency flows over into my blog as well. It’s not that I haven’t written posts when things aren’t peachy but I tend to avoid writing when I’m not in top form. I think it’s important to acknowledge that life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. I think it’s ok to raise our hands and admit when we’re feeling down or are struggling. Kate is raising her hand.
I have been struggling this past week with food. I have “splurged” too often. I seem to be in a downward spiral and am beginning to feel pretty awful about it all. It’s not like I’ve completely tanked my D management, but it’s more like I’ve had small insurrections. I’m battling against…? “I rarely go out to eat with my friends so this one meal won’t hurt.” “Look, I chose the “healthier” chicken wrap at Sonic so I can have a few of these tots, right?” “Aw hell, I sorta blew it today so I’m having the full-blown taco salad, the one with the shell that contains ridiculous amounts of carbs.”
Dang, when I put it down in black and white it looks like I’m an idiot! I blew it so I’ll just blow it some more? What? This is the kind of thinking that has completely negated my weight loss goals in the past and now I’m fighting it, not because I don’t want to gain weight again, but because this will completely muck up my D control. This can’t stand! Thankfully, I have continued to exercise through all this but even my enjoyment of that has dimmed.
Can I turn this around? God, I hope so. It’s a vicious circle, this lack of control, both mentally and physically. I don’t feel so great. My stomach kinda hurts and I’m rarely hungry. I’m not really hungry so I don’t eat good meals, but snack instead. Snacking usually means overeating and poorly balanced choices. Overeating and poorly balanced choices can lead to feeling full and crappy. Those physical feelings give rise to sadness. Rinse, repeat. Gah!
I’d like to say to you now that starting today I will get back to the program that has made me feel good in body and mind. I’d like to do that, but I can’t honestly say that I’ll kick this thing today. What I can tell you is that I’m going to try, damn hard. “Telling you” all this should help. I’ve put it out there and that makes it more real for me, so thank you for listening. Today I plan to fix a more sensible breakfast; one I know will be good for my glucose. Today I will not snack (did you hear that Kate?). Just maybe, tomorrow I can wake up and feel good about things again. Here’s hoping.