We’re only human. All we can do is our best. It’s only a number. Perfection isn’t possible. These are all things that I’ve either said on my blog, in one way or another, or agreed with on Twitter or used to encourage someone else on Facebook and I truly believe them all. That makes it difficult for me to understand why I seem to expect perfection when it comes to my own diabetes.
I’ve been following a plan for the last two months that has me experiencing wonderful glucose readings. I’ve lost some more weight and I feel great most of the time! Yay! I’m about to begin the next phase of this plan which will have me slowly introducing carbs back into my diet. Up until now, the only carbs I’ve been eating come from non-starchy vegetables and an occasional slice of bread or bit of couscous. A week ago I was honestly afraid of this next phase. I figured that my glucose would again be “out of control” and I’d lose the wonderful ground that I’ve gained. I’m a little calmer now and ready to again eat berries and beans (but not together). I know that I can do this and I have a plan. I will prevail!
I’ve done a lot of soul-searching today, for some reason, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been treating my D, and the tight control of it, almost like a religion. I eat and breathe carb control and glucose testing. I am constantly thinking about it! I don’t like what I’ve come to realize today. I don’t like this “fanatical Kate”. I’ve been inwardly seeking perfection. I’m a dolt.
One of the reasons that I’ve been looking forward to the second phase of this plan is that I don’t want to lead a restrictive life. I want to be able to eat a sandwich or pepper stuffed with beans. I want to have an occasional enchilada. I want a little more freedom. Yes, I’ve been perfectly satisfied with the low carb diet I’ve been following but it feels too restrictive. Along with the increase in carbs I’m about to pursue I am hoping to find a better attitude toward my D control. My D control is controlling me. Kate feels restricted. Kate needs a bit of freedom. Kate needs to relax.
I’ve become too concerned about my glucose readings and have actually felt stress when the numbers were higher than I thought they ought to be. I think that deep down inside I felt that my glucose should always be normal because I wasn’t eating a ton of carbs. That’s just stupid. Hello! I have diabetes!! Like I said: a dolt. The only way I’ll be able to be successful during this next phase is if I realize that a reading of 140 after dinner is perfectly acceptable. I will be testing more in order to see how my body is handling the added carbs, but I need to relax and just let the numbers be what they are.
It’s time to take my own advice. I’m only human. All I can do is my best. It’s only a number. Perfection isn’t possible. Are you listening Kate?