This is a line from one of my favorite Christmas cartoons, Opus 'n Bill in A Wish for Wings That Work (cbs, 1991). If you haven’t watched it, you should. You can find it on YouTube. Bill is my hero. (If you haven’t already figured it out, I have a very wacky sense of humor.) For those more religious minded readers this post could be entitled “Pride goeth before a fall.” Either one works because I’ve recently been taken down a peg or two by diabetes and it feels pretty crummy.
I posted about my success with lowering my carb intake and basically kicking D’s butt. I’m proud of myself for my accomplishments but it left me feeling as if I had won, somehow; like I was in complete control. Not.
Last night I ate a decent meal consisting of spaghetti squash, marinara sauce with turkey meatballs and green beans. All of the carbs came from healthy vegetables with the exception of a wee bit in the sauce and meatballs (maybe 7 grams there). Smug Kate thought, “HA! Take that diabetes!” The meal was yummy and satisfying; my PP glucose reading was not: 132 1.5 hours after my first bite. I’m not saying that 132 is a bad number, necessarily, but it is way higher than I’ve been seeing lately. I was bummed. This morning my fasting reading was 124 and it crept up to 134 before I had a chance to eat. I was REALLY bummed. I honestly wanted to go back to bed…but I didn’t. I rode my recumbent bike for 30 minutes and my glucose dropped to a pleasant 107. Yay! I’m still bummed. Why?
This morning I feel as if diabetes is still winning despite all my hard work. The bugger just won’t go away! I know, I know…it won’t “go away” but, because of my recent success I felt as if it had, in a way. I haven’t been looking for that “magic pill” but I think, deep down, I was. I feel as if my cockiness has caused me to feel inordinately sad today. Yes, I did the right thing by exercising to lower my glucose but I still feel bummed.
I won’t give up but I need to work on a more realistic outlook about the “long term-ness” of this disease. We can win some battles, we can fight the good fight, but it’s important to remember that there WILL be days when we don’t win. That’s ok. It’s still worth the effort.