Saturday, April 28, 2012

Memories


The First Time I… Write a post about the first time you did something. What is it? What was it like? What did you learn from it?

I don’t really remember the first time I check my blood glucose at home but I have some memories from the early years.  Back then, testing my glucose felt more like a test of me as opposed to how my body was reacting to the food I was eating.  Believe it or not, I still have every “glucose diary” for all 7 years since my diagnosis.  I still track all my glucose readings in an Excel spreadsheet and I’ve saved them all.  It’s enlightening to look back at my numbers.  The first month of my diagnosis was pitiful.  The spreadsheet is chock full of high numbers; even a 200 fasting.  The comments I entered showed how hard I was trying to explain my numbers, as if I was going to be judged by someone.  Comments like: I was camping, or we were on the road were almost pleas to someone not to think badly of me.  That someone was me.

I do have one vivid memory from that first month.  We were camping and I was determined to “be good” regardless of my whereabouts.  My fasting reading was 185 and I burst into tears.  The next day it was 200!  I was so depressed because I was failing.

At some point, those of us who deal with diabetes have to come to the realization that we can only do our best and we can’t be hard on ourselves when things don’t work out.  There are so many other factors at play that we just can’t foresee or even know about!  Maybe our liver and pancreas aren’t speaking today.  Maybe there are other hormones at play.  Maybe the freakin’ moon is out of alignment!  Sometimes we just don’t know what is causing glucose issues.  The bottom line is that we need to do the best we can every day.   We need to remember why we are pricking our fingers countless times.  We need to remember that it’s worth all the fuss.

As I said, in the beginning my glucose testing seemed like it was a way to judge me. I don’t feel that way any longer.  My glucose testing is a way for me to keep track of what’s going on in my body and how it’s reacting to the food I give it.  It’s a way for me to adjust what I’m eating so I can improve those numbers.  It isn’t a test of me.  It never means that I have failed, although It might sometimes mean that I need to get back on track.  This is a comment taken from my Aug. 2005 glucose diary, only 2 months after my diagnosis:

“struggled this week for the first time. I just didn't want to be a diabetic anymore. Got over it.  Kicked myself in the rear and moved on.  :-)”

See?  Even back then I was one smart, low-carb cookie!

I’m participating in Wego Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge.  I’m posting every day in April.  #HAWMC

2 comments:

  1. you put into words what so many diabetics feel each time they test their BG. like it's a test of ourselves. a test we fail when the number isn't what we want it to be, what our doctors say it should be. we need to remember, like you said, that it is a test of our "bodies reaction to the food we've eaten", and go from there.
    Kate, you are one smart low-carb cookie!!

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  2. I can't tell you how many times I've said that I don't want to be a diabetic anymore! And I've only had it since March 2008!

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