Someone has to be in charge. Someone gets to decide which direction we head. For so long now I let Diabetes be in charge. My condition was running the ship. At times I’ve felt helpless and out of control. I’ve blogged previously about my frustrations when I couldn’t figure something out or I felt that I had no control over what was happening inside. I’ve recently had the pleasure of being confused as to why things were going so well! I’ve finally been seeing fasting numbers between 100-119, mostly closer to 110. HUGE difference from the 130’s I had been experiencing! (There has been lots of happy dancing around here lately.) I couldn’t put my finger on any one thing that was making the difference. Yes, the doc had upped my evening meds. Yes, I have been exercising more regularly. Yes, I’m continuing to lose weight. I had been doing all that for a while but nothing much had changed. Suddenly, Voila! Better numbers appeared. Now, I’m not complaining but I can’t understand why things suddenly improved.
During this wonderful improvement there has been a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me that this will change. Someday my numbers will get worse again without any apparent reason. Diabetes will rear its ugly head and remind me of who’s running the ship. It seems kinda silly to have such a defeatist attitude in the face of success, but diabetes does that to you. The depression isn’t all that far away at any one time. I can’t help it, I’m just being pragmatic. I’m just protecting myself from a hard fall.
Just this week things began to change. See! I told you it would happen. Damn diabetes! My fasting numbers have been creeping back up towards 120. I haven’t been feeling well and my mood is starting to slip. I went to bed a little early last night with a headache. While I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, I realized that I have been sabotaging myself! It’s true! I got to thinking about how I’ve been eating over the last few days and realized that I’m the reason that things are changing. I’m the one who’s causing this shift, not my condition! So what have I been doing differently? I’ve been snacking too much. I’ve been eating less veggies. I’ve been craving sweets and indulging more than is practical. I blew off exercising yesterday. I feel like crap and it’s all my own doing!
Guess who’s running the ship starting this morning? Go ahead, guess. Is it Diabetes? HECK NO! Kate’s back at the helm and she’s easing the ship back on course. No snacks for a while (unless I get to feeling shaky). I’m back to exercising every day. I will eat responsibly. I will continue to do everything in my power to keep my diabetes in check. I may not have any control over what goes on inside my body but I sure as heck can do everything possible to help things along in the right direction. We as PWD make choices every day. We can choose to let diabetes run our lives or we can take charge and steer our own ship. Just call me Captain Kate.