Monday, August 15, 2011

Dreaming of Oblivion

I was thinking.  We all do it.  The interesting thing is that we can never really know what someone else is thinking about.  It’s a very private thing.  I realized that I’m nearly always thinking about diabetes, how I’m doing with my control, what will my numbers be, what should I cook for dinner, will this ever end?  I began to try to remember what I used to think about prior to my diagnosis.  What do non-diabetics think about all day?  I began to dream of diabetes oblivion. Wouldn’t it be lovely to think about something else, ANYTHING else?  I could spend my days thinking about quantum physics or how combustion engines work.  I could focus on solving the economic crisis or maybe I could just not think at all.  Oblivion…..ahhhhh.

The reality is that a lot of my daily thought revolves around food and that’s pretty much what I used to think about before my diagnosis, as discussed in my post  Confession.  Food has always been important to me and on my mind quite a bit.  There is, however, a big difference in my food thoughts now compared to B.D. (before diabetes).  I look at food from a different angle these days.  While I still strive for flavor, I tend to focus more on health.  Back in the day I would think about fast food fondly and try to see how I could manage to fit some into my day.  Now I’m more apt to think about how I can have some of the same flavors in my life but do it in a healthier way.  How can I tweak a recipe to make it friendlier to my plan?  Can I have a couple of cookies if I bake them with sugar substitute and applesauce instead of oil?  Are there other ways to make a pizza crust that are lower in carbs?  I’m here to tell you that B.D. I NEVER gave any thought to “friendlier” cookie recipes or alternative pizza crusts.  That could be a huge part of why I’m diabetic today.

Having thought through this post, I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t want oblivion after all.  Thinking about diabetes most of the time has caused me to re-think my relationship with food.  It has helped me to be a healthier person; one who is happier with herself now than she’s been in a long, long time.  I might still crave veggie lover’s stuffed crust pizza or long for a time when I just ate whatever I wanted, but I’m learning to curb those cravings and approach food from a healthier perspective.  I’ve learned so much about myself and how to be a healthier person.  I wouldn’t be where I am today if I was oblivious.

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