Things are out of control. I strongly dislike being out of control. Maybe that’s why I don’t like rollercoasters and bungee jumping….no control. I’m not a control freak by any means but when things in my life are out of my control I get….grumpy.
Something has definitely shifted with my diabetes. My morning numbers continue to be high (130’s) and occasionally my after meal numbers have been up. The Testing Zealot has returned and she’s ugly! But wait, there’s more!! I’ve been so freakin depressed for no good reason. I suppose my concern over the changes in my diabetes could have something to do with my depression but it seems deeper than that. So today I had the overwhelming desire to put my fist through the wall….and then I cried. (The wall is still intact but the desire was real). Kate had an epiphany……menopause.
I’ve been dealing with hot flashes for a couple of years now. They come and go and I lose sleep but it hasn’t been awful. No HRT….just dealing with it. I’ve never experienced the “the bitch is going through menopause” part of this time of life. I’m here to tell you that if this mood thing continues the HRT will be happening SOON! I can’t live this way. Ray shouldn’t have to deal with this either. (He’s been very sweet and supportive).
It’s very possible that this hormone swing could be having some effect on my bg but who the heck knows!?! That’s the frustrating part and what’s got me so upset. I don’t know what’s causing all these things so therefore, I can’t fix them. No control.
I’m a decent problem solver. I like trying to figure out why something works or doesn’t work. What has caused this to happen? Why? I think that’s why the testing zealot has returned; I desperately want to figure out what’s going on with my bg. I’ve come to the conclusion that turning my fingers into pincushions isn’t doing anything but frustrating me further. I mean, come on, I’m not on insulin so there really isn’t a need for me to continue bleeding all over the place. I’m going to make a concerted effort to stop.
The really ironic thing is that this change in bg has happened at a time when I’ve been working so hard to lose some weight and I’ve amped up my exercising. I’m doing so well so why aren’t my numbers showing that? Again, no control. It’s not like I’ve made wild changes to my diet or that I’m suddenly running marathons; all the changes have been slight, but effective.
It would be so easy to give up but I don’t want to. I’ve had a couple of days where I couldn’t seem to eat enough but I haven’t given up. I decided that the best course is to continue my healthier eating and exercise routine. Those are good, positive things to do regardless of the bg issue. I will see my doctor in June and the A1c will tell the story. The ugly, horrible, I’m out of control story. (I’m just a little ray of sunshine, aren’t I?)
I wasn’t going to blog about this. I was going to wait until things were better and then say, “see? Life is good”. But you know what? Life isn’t always good. This blog is about my life with diabetes…..this is my life right now as sucky as it is. Thanks for “listening”. It really helps to think that someone out there is reading this and understands my frustration at some level.